I wrote this blog after watching a preview of the movie 12 Years a Slave. hosted by Sojourners Wednesday, October 9, 2013. It was an amazing movie, I wanted to record the personal impact it had upon me while my feelings were fresh and raw. I realized that it served as a catalyst in surprising ways. Ironically on yesterday, I checked my mail and in the box was a letter from Sojourner’s magazine--reminding me that it was time to “Renew.” How could they be so right?
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I woke up like any other day this morning but somehow I am different. Tonight I feel a lot of elements coming together and congealing like water droplets across a Teflon pan. For one thing, I learned that I am an organizer--it doesn't matter what I’m organizing or for what cause, it’s what I do. And, I haven’t done it in a while. For two, I have learned that life sometimes takes you full circle. You’ll find yourself at a crossroads that you once stood in and find you have the ability to forge a new path--if you’re lucky. I feel like I am there. Not that I am any better than before but certainly different, and certainly with a different perspective. I realized words are important, so important that the Book of John states that “in the beginning was the word, and the word was with God, and the word was God.” The words that are liberating me tonight are: “I am here.” Despite of what I’ve been through, I am still here. And I realize there is no excuse or reason, in heaven or hell, why I should not exercise my full potential. The movie tonight reminded me of the power of the human spirit. I realize that there are many words, some in the form of well meaning opinions from friends or frienemies which serve to unravel potential. Then there are those in your own head--I’ll get to that. Those are words that make you believe ‘you’ have all the right answers and if you don’t you should get them. They tell you things like you are not good enough, not _____________ enough, don’t have enough _____________ like so-and-so, don’t speak like 'Who Shot John' (a fictional, catch-all character my grandmother liked to refer to), and you don’t look like _____________. Those are the voices which make you really believe that ‘it’ is all about you. Being here at this crossroads, I realize, in fact I am convinced, ’it’ is absolutely NOT about me. ‘It’ is not about what I wear, what I do, what I know, how much bible I can quote and get wrong, who I know or don’t--’it’ is about believing I will get it wrong but I can still show up. If I show up, God is faithful to show up with me and use me, and give me the words, or the patience, or the strength, or the creative spirit, or the wisdom, or the grace, or the mercy, or the compassion, to do all the work he has called me to do whatever ‘it’ is--no matter how outlandish, or how monumental that work might be. In evaluating my perception of my own capabilities, I have, at times, limited the capacity for God to move and work in my life; forgetting that I work on God’s behalf.
There’s a Proverb I have been chewing on lately, it's Proverbs 3:3-4, which says, “Let love and faithfulness never leave you, bind them around your neck; then you will find favor in God and men.” I have not been faithful with what God has bestowed upon me: my talents, my ideas, my passions, my dreams. I have given up so many times on so many things. I realized tonight that one of the values I had abandoned was a commitment to my community. No matter what, I am proud of my heritage, and proud to be from a stock of people to have endured pain, heartache, and agony-- a resilient and ingenious people sacrificed so much, so that I would not have to do the same. And yet, still I enslave my mind with the limitations I superimpose upon myself. I remembered today, everything happens in God’s time, even I, in my personhood, happened in God’s timing. I remembered today that every good and perfect gift comes from the Lord. And because gifts originate with a giver and not a receiver I was further reassured that ‘it’ is not about me. We are the presence of God here on Earth, we are limbs, we are love, mouth, and heart. Today I have learned a lot.
Tonight provided me with a great and mighty disposition. That disposition was anger. Once I could get passed the anguish of the film, the disgust, the hate, I found anger. And it was somehow like seeing an old friend. It caused my tea kettle to steam just a little bit, not enough to roil over but just enough to get me to percolate. Anger is a touchy thing, I think to be effective you need just the right amount of it, like putting salt into soup: too little will make it bland, too much will make it unbearable. You need just enough to make it right, to give it flavor. I call that flavor determination. I’ve been sprinkled with a dash of anger tonight just enough to be agitated by my own resignation; my own silence, my own complicity to do nothing. I smile because I know I needed that, the wake up call. Then I felt the words bubble up in me like Alka Seltzer, and these words are like pain relief to me; helping me expel all the doubt, and shame, and guilt of my ineffectiveness up to this point. I just needed a missing ingredient and tonight I think I found it.
Artists in varying capacities: writers, actors, producers, etc. were able to put together a production to jog the social imagination, to bring the ugliness and beauty of the human experience on screen, and move me out of my complacency, and for that I am thankful. And for every would-be writer, actor, producer, visual artist, or dreamer I urge you to do the same, to take the first step, to be bold, and to show up.
****************************************************************************
I woke up like any other day this morning but somehow I am different. Tonight I feel a lot of elements coming together and congealing like water droplets across a Teflon pan. For one thing, I learned that I am an organizer--it doesn't matter what I’m organizing or for what cause, it’s what I do. And, I haven’t done it in a while. For two, I have learned that life sometimes takes you full circle. You’ll find yourself at a crossroads that you once stood in and find you have the ability to forge a new path--if you’re lucky. I feel like I am there. Not that I am any better than before but certainly different, and certainly with a different perspective. I realized words are important, so important that the Book of John states that “in the beginning was the word, and the word was with God, and the word was God.” The words that are liberating me tonight are: “I am here.” Despite of what I’ve been through, I am still here. And I realize there is no excuse or reason, in heaven or hell, why I should not exercise my full potential. The movie tonight reminded me of the power of the human spirit. I realize that there are many words, some in the form of well meaning opinions from friends or frienemies which serve to unravel potential. Then there are those in your own head--I’ll get to that. Those are words that make you believe ‘you’ have all the right answers and if you don’t you should get them. They tell you things like you are not good enough, not _____________ enough, don’t have enough _____________ like so-and-so, don’t speak like 'Who Shot John' (a fictional, catch-all character my grandmother liked to refer to), and you don’t look like _____________. Those are the voices which make you really believe that ‘it’ is all about you. Being here at this crossroads, I realize, in fact I am convinced, ’it’ is absolutely NOT about me. ‘It’ is not about what I wear, what I do, what I know, how much bible I can quote and get wrong, who I know or don’t--’it’ is about believing I will get it wrong but I can still show up. If I show up, God is faithful to show up with me and use me, and give me the words, or the patience, or the strength, or the creative spirit, or the wisdom, or the grace, or the mercy, or the compassion, to do all the work he has called me to do whatever ‘it’ is--no matter how outlandish, or how monumental that work might be. In evaluating my perception of my own capabilities, I have, at times, limited the capacity for God to move and work in my life; forgetting that I work on God’s behalf.
There’s a Proverb I have been chewing on lately, it's Proverbs 3:3-4, which says, “Let love and faithfulness never leave you, bind them around your neck; then you will find favor in God and men.” I have not been faithful with what God has bestowed upon me: my talents, my ideas, my passions, my dreams. I have given up so many times on so many things. I realized tonight that one of the values I had abandoned was a commitment to my community. No matter what, I am proud of my heritage, and proud to be from a stock of people to have endured pain, heartache, and agony-- a resilient and ingenious people sacrificed so much, so that I would not have to do the same. And yet, still I enslave my mind with the limitations I superimpose upon myself. I remembered today, everything happens in God’s time, even I, in my personhood, happened in God’s timing. I remembered today that every good and perfect gift comes from the Lord. And because gifts originate with a giver and not a receiver I was further reassured that ‘it’ is not about me. We are the presence of God here on Earth, we are limbs, we are love, mouth, and heart. Today I have learned a lot.
Tonight provided me with a great and mighty disposition. That disposition was anger. Once I could get passed the anguish of the film, the disgust, the hate, I found anger. And it was somehow like seeing an old friend. It caused my tea kettle to steam just a little bit, not enough to roil over but just enough to get me to percolate. Anger is a touchy thing, I think to be effective you need just the right amount of it, like putting salt into soup: too little will make it bland, too much will make it unbearable. You need just enough to make it right, to give it flavor. I call that flavor determination. I’ve been sprinkled with a dash of anger tonight just enough to be agitated by my own resignation; my own silence, my own complicity to do nothing. I smile because I know I needed that, the wake up call. Then I felt the words bubble up in me like Alka Seltzer, and these words are like pain relief to me; helping me expel all the doubt, and shame, and guilt of my ineffectiveness up to this point. I just needed a missing ingredient and tonight I think I found it.
Artists in varying capacities: writers, actors, producers, etc. were able to put together a production to jog the social imagination, to bring the ugliness and beauty of the human experience on screen, and move me out of my complacency, and for that I am thankful. And for every would-be writer, actor, producer, visual artist, or dreamer I urge you to do the same, to take the first step, to be bold, and to show up.
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