Stuff I Write About

I have great manifestos gurgling in the throat of ---I suppose what would be my pen. Let’s say metaphorically--in my hand. But, it’s not only in my hand it is in my heart. It is the spirit of writing coming to visit me for the first time in months. The change of season is a peculiar time for me. I notice today….“extra.” Let’s just say there is more of me to love. I am filled up, literally :-). There is also more space available, more room to breathe, and better air. I think there are two qualities that inspire the mind of the writer, one being extreme pain, and the other room. I think better put...capacity. I always feel like in order to write, I need the space to do so. In my schedule that space is almost never available, but something about this season has brought with it the abundance of extra. And, just as it is with my own body to this extraness I say, “this is unexpected, but I love you anyway.”

On last Thursday, I couldn't work. I tried to concentrate but couldn't. I was grasping at something, something I couldn't reach, and clamoring at something unseen. I felt the tension in my body and in my emotions, I was angry--but at what? On Thursday I updated my Linked-In profile, and I realized there were things missing, words and ideas I wanted to communicate. A story I wanted to tell that couldn't be seen from the sterile words I used to describe my professional career. So, I kept updating, and looking at other profiles, and I kept yearning, grasping as if my Linked-In profile would reveal a magic answer. Instead, what I found  was me...telling myself I was not good enough, not educated enough, didn't have enough experience in this area or another, I needed more training. All of this validating my fears and solidifying my unworthiness. Geez! It's clear now although it wasn't then. I don't have all of the answers, I likely never will. But Go...

I wrote this blog after watching a preview of the movie 12 Years a Slave. hosted by Sojourners Wednesday, October 9, 2013. It was an amazing movie, I wanted to record the personal impact it had upon me while my feelings were fresh and raw. I realized that it served as a catalyst in surprising ways. Ironically on yesterday, I checked my mail and in the box was a letter from Sojourner’s magazine--reminding me that it was time to “Renew.” How could they be so right? **************************************************************************** I woke up like any other day this morning but somehow I am different. Tonight I feel a lot of elements coming together and congealing like water droplets across a Teflon pan. For one thing, I learned that I am an organizer--it doesn't matter what I’m organizing or for what cause, it’s what I do. And, I haven’t done it in a while. For two, I have learned that life sometimes takes you full circle. You’ll find yourself at a crossroads that you onc...

Usually, I write about how dissatisfied I am with myself and my life—always thinking about what I can do different and better. There are times when I am 100% content—when good and bad do not matter, those are the moments when everything “is.” I would love to have more of those moments, more time for simply taking it all in. I am learning to ask myself in the affirmative what’s good not what’s wrong. I am also learning to ask myself whether or not the activities I engage in are life giving or life draining, and if they are life draining, then what will I do to replenish my cup, when will I do it. I notice how often I drag myself through doing some intolerable activity begrudgingly but with determination and laser-sharp focus. When I am through I say, “Yes, now I can be myself.” But, for that time I am myself just not my best self. I do not want to put myself on hold or wait for special circumstances (just the right ones) to show up as my best self. My best self may not always...

Pieces of a dream fall out like lint and loose change from pockets with dark holes Dark holes which is where I been lately at least it feel that way to me for what seems like an eternity I am trying to shake loose all those things which threaten to bind me my destiny abounds in me I fight on when there is no more room to run

There are evening poems like Langston and Petrarch and Morning poems like Nikki Giovanni and Song of Songs Poems for every occasion For whatever ails you Take two and call me in the morning

And so it comes To this The sun beating Down The people indifferently passing And we ... out Of breath In a pool of salty Sweat Laughing Happy In each other’s Trust That once again We gentled the stone All the way down And will now Push it back up But we will wait Until the sun sets We will wait Until the stores Close We will wait While they put their garbage bags In the streets We will wait Until the dogs and rats Sniff their choices We will wait Until the street cleaners Push their brooms And the women offer their wares We will hope The men are kind We are Sisyphus We write the poems We paint the portraits We sculpt the statues We quilt the blankets We set the tables We make the beds We wipe the tears We rock the anger We hold on to tomorrow We push the rock up And we gently bring it down We were promised Only a gift of light You keep me From being Lonely

What is it about this time of tumult and great beauty? Time for shedding in preparation for renewal I love Langston I read his poems every night before bed Poems won’t come to me They often find me too tired to capture thought I ought to get my black butt up But I been tired Tired like all day in the cornfields tired Who am I kidding? I ain’t neva been in no cornfields But I do know that I am tired Tired like Black woman tired of all your lame ass excuses tired Yes, tired like that

Paradise is WPFW; Dinah Shore and Billie Holiday Paradise is pumpkin spiced candles; Roobios red chai tea with carnation milk and pure cane sugar Paradise is the rings of smoke from incense curling over your shoulder Tapping gently just to say, “Hey, remember me – relax, breathe...deep” Paradise is writing in warm clothes on a cold night Paradise is everything in my soul is alright Don’t know tomorrow Can’t recapture the day But confident The Lord will make a way A clap A shout “Amen!” And a “That’s alright” Paradise is the tone from piano keys Touching my tear ducks Paradise is smiling after a day of hell Behold, the kingdom of God is at hand.

Tender young flowering blossoms With shoots of remarkable beauty Race to the top Only to be cut down by yardsmen Eager for wilt of tender bodies Hands of musty soil grip hard Leave with dead flowers in tow One has learned to live And so has the other But none has learned to live one for the other One has learned to love And so has the other But none has learned to love one for the other

And who is it And who is it not Black apricot Streaming through black tresses In dresses In heals In linens Where are they They are in me They are me

Everyone is sacred. You are sacred and I'm sacred. Everytime you blink your eye or I blink my eye, God blinks His eye. God sees through your eyes and my eyes. We are sacred. Noble Red Man: Lakota Wisdomkeeper Matthew King by Harvey Arden

Rain Runs Faster When It Runs Together I watched rain drops clip clop down the side of my window pane and wondered where are they running to They say I run to you Let us run together Be in the flow

I am thankful to the almighty God for making me who I am for giving my insight into the mysteries of me for my vision for this world and what I can do in it It is big It is grand but at least I have vision Woe to the man or woman who dare not dream How low are their hopes But as for me, I can always renew ask for my heart's desire and believe Hope for a dying world I don't have to shape shift into a box to achieve I can walk instead at turtle speed Or gently morph like a butterfly At my own pace and time I live and be, I live and be.

When I go up on the hill to pray, I don't Just talk to God. I try to get the talking over quick. Mostly I'm listening. Listening to God -- that's prayer too. You've got to listen. God's talking to you right now. He's telling you all the words you've got to speak and all the things you've got to do in this life. If you don't listen, you don't hear what God's saying, and then you don't know what God wants you to say and do. So that's how you pray to God. You listen! Noble Red Man: Lakota Wisdomkeeper Matthew King by Harvey Arden

Goodness is the natural state of this world. The world is good! Even when it seems evil, it's good. There's only goodness in God. And that same goodness is in all of us. You can feel it in yourself. You know when you feel good inside. Yes, you're God's child, too. You are good. You are sacred. Respect yourself. Love the goodness in yourself. Then, put that goodness into the world. That's everybody's instructions... When you feel good, God feels good, too. God and you feel good together. Noble Red Man: Lakota Wisdomkeeper Matthew King by Harvey Arden

Life is simple again The light of the sun A blue sky No implications for what is to come The trees outside my window Billowing in a gentle breeze Just because Small finches Cute and light Frolic on branches Because they can And sing Their tune Carried on The same breeze That rocks the trees And I Begin to sway too My mind At ease Thank God Life is simple again.

In this moment lies the regenerative power of transformation. I am so entrenched in the now there is no room for anything else. There is only my glow, my hope in a brighter tomorrow but more so a bright today. I hope in the now, in the present and I take all the time in the world to be present for this one moment. I am gracious and grateful for where I am. I have been torn asunder from wonder of what I could be or what I should have been. I should have been is passive. I am now is present and powerful. I have no thoughts for what I've lost but all my hope lies in this hour for what I can dream today.

In the silence I relinquish all doubt I allow my spirit to figure it out I let go of what if, I let go of what if not I allow my spirit to figure it out I sit with confidence in my ability to be In tune with God's will and best wishes for me I listen for guidance I sit in stillness trust in my savior trust inside me I experience life in all it can be I remember hope I remember dreams I remember to live in sunlight beams In the midst of shadows cast in doubt I allow my spirit to figure it out